Today is possibly the worst day I have ever had. The worst part? I saw it coming.
After a week suspicion, and a weekend of worry and nerves I went to the doctor this morning to get the results of a series of blood tests. Unfortunately the news was not good. Apparently my body did not like the way the my little embryo was forming. My body decided that it was better to discard of it now than to let it proceed.
I'm not going to lie. This is devastating. We are so emotionally connected to this little life already that I cannot believe it's over before it even began. My doctor reassured me that this miscarriage is not an indicator of pregnancies to come, but that is very little consolation. All I can seem to do is cry. When I do find something to distract myself, it's usually only short lived thanks to a pregnant woman on a show I'm watching or an advertisement for diapers in a magazine.
I am trying to look forward to the fact that we can try again, but I am having a hard time getting around the question of why did this happen to us? Is it karma? Or genetics? Luck? I'm sure I'll never really know.
I've read that the grief, the crushing heartbreak, the devastating betrayal of my body I feel will dissipate, fade or even go away, but at this point I don't see that happening any time soon. But I suppose the only thing to do is to keep looking ahead. I hope by showing my appreciation for what I have, it will bring some peace to my heart. So I will remember to count my blessings. Starting today.
1. A wonderful husband
2. A snuggly dog
3. My health
4. A reliable job
5. A comfortable home
6. Supportive friends
Yes, I am grateful for these things in spite of what has happened.
It's just not fair.
